When a star falls,do the others mourn its passing,or do they,like men,ignore the void in their existence?
To have a gaping hole in one’s chest is like living,after a while life eats at the edges making the nothing more and turning substance into splinters.
If I were to question the existence of god,I would be justified.
If I were to murder a man in cold blood I would be beatified.
If I were to struggle through life in the shadows of normality,I would be forgotten.
But tommorow is always forgotten after the game is done.
But yesterday shall always be remembered.

I wish to be remembered.
But for now,I wish to be at peace.
Sleep is a peace that I have been robbed off too many times.
And sometimes the absence of peace does mean war.

Ponder that.

[26 May 2005|08:48pm]

WHO AM I?!
WHO ARE YOU?!

Is life about you?
Is life about a me?
Is life about them?
Is life the choices we make?
Or is life a mistake?
Is life the sum of its parts?
Or is the whole more than the sum?
Is life memory?
Or is life thought?
Is life an illusion we all see?
Or is it a reality we all choose not to believe?
It it black and white?
Or in technocolor?
Is death a part of life?
Or is life a part of death?
Is the blue you see same as the blue I see?
And is the sky really blue?
Is existence a lie?
Or is it a lie brought to existence?
Is there a god?
Is there an afterlife
Is it to be or not to be?
And who is truly the poor player?
Which door will you pick?
Which channel will you choose?
WHICH WAY TO THE NEAREST GAS STATION?
Where is the method in my madness?
Where are the riders 4?
Where is the alpha?
Doth there exist the omega?
Is life balance?
Or is it a never ending argument?
Be life a series of arrivals?
Or be it a series or departures?
When is the 13th hour?
WHEN WILL THIS BRANCH SNAP?
Why were they two men in a tub?
Is insanity an excuse for the insane?
Or is sanity an excuse for the mundane?
WHO THE FUCK SHOT JFK?
Be you mice or man?
Be you friend or foe?
Be you delirium or death?

OR BE YOU MADNESS?
OR BE YOU THE BRINK OF THE EVERLASTING SCREAM?
BE YOU AVARICE?
OR BE YOU SIN?
DO YOU COME TO DRAG ME AWAY TO THE NIGHT?
OR TO BRING ME TO THE LIGHT?
BE YOU THE DEVIL?
OR BE YOU ANGEL?
OR BE YOU MORTAL MAN?

To be or not to be?
To dance upon a rotten log
To see the rain through pure eyes
TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

I DONT KNOW!

And then there was silence.And the dust settled to show nothing.

“hiss” says Mr. Ciggarette [19 Jan 2006|11:38pm]

Let me set a scene for you.

11.30 p.m.,dark playground,smells like rain.

As I walked around on the sand I imagined myself crushing tiny little rocks,rocks with dreams,rocks with passion.
Rocks smarter than the current US president.
I stick a ciggarette in my mouth,its pungent odor wafts into my nostrils.I light it,my face illuminates for a moment.
Bad move prav,now people know your face.
I was extremly bored.
Cats meowed in the distance,I could hear the mourns,one of theirs has died today.

And then I see it,a light illuminates it,and I hear an angelic chorus.

4 legs, 4 chains,2 seats.

Lets ride to heaven.

I murdered over to the swing,sat my self down,and wondered.
Should I?

“Hiss” said Mr.Ciggarette.

I shoved off,murdering millions.

3feet.

Not ENOUGH!

*kick*

7feet
You can do better soldier!!
The fire is reaching my lips,I can see its glow.
It doesnt matter,all that matters is getting off the GROUND!
*kick*
I reach out,I grab a star to my breast.And I spit out my cancerstick.
*kick*
I scream in delight.Heaven must feel this good.
*kick*
I let go of my tether and I see it,I get my moment.The stars shine brighter and the ground gets further,my hands strech out a million lightyears away and touch everything.
I am flying.For a second I truly am.Nothing else matters.

I land,its a massacre.
A tear falls,I just killed billions.
But I flew,and thats almost worth it.

Life on the Edge

We all live by the rules of engagement set by our predecessors. The looping and winding pages of text and thought that govern our lives. We cling to it like a baby to a blanket, comforting in its warmth, its promise of security and false hope. How long can we survive on this social safety net,always below us but promising to crumble at the first sign of stress. In fact this net ties us to normality ,it blocks the endless potential we are capable off, it BLOCKS GROWTH and turns us into the mass undulating unthinking JELLO we have become. The greatest minds of our times understood what the rules were, they braved the edges of its dominion and peered into the chasm of potential that lay beyond it. And for their bravery they suffered. They suffered the jeers and torment of the US, watching from behind the yellow line, not daring to step into the uncharted territories of the mind, not even daring to look in the mirror without our preconceptions masking our true faces, which by now have rotted away leaving a blank shapeless void where a person should be.

Why cant we understand the threat of normality, of security, we have LIVED in this play pen for far too long, and yet we cant see the translucent barriers that hold us within our rotten puke filled hole in the ground. Normality breeds boredom ,anxiety, depression, stupidity, DEATH OF THE MIND, death of the soul, death of the fundamental essence of man. But yet we pray for it, we study for its exams , we marry into the death, we spawn them from our loins like so much crap then we die, luxuriating in the shite coursing through our minds and being content because you didn’t miss today’s live broadcast of people pretending to live.

It’s ironic that they call it a live broadcast when it sucks the very will to LIVE from people, we worship the box that shows us death, destruction, misery, stupidity, and we revel in the garbage it throws at us. You call it a guilty pleasure? What kind of pleasure can be derived from watching society crumble to dust? The box has become our barometer for social decay. We watch as parts of humanity drop off the super structure one by one. Marriage. GONE. Trust. ADIOS.
LOVE. RELIGION. CREATIVE THOUGHT. CURIOUSITY.TRUTH. INDEPENDENCE.
Who needs them?

We have the TV. We have the rules. We have the 9 to 5 job. We have Social Security. We have pension, We have Big Brother whispering into our ear telling us that this downward spiral was all part of the master plan. That everything is okay. So we stay behind the line. And line up for today’s dosage of lies and poison. Eat up.
Those who live on the edge aren’t fearless, we all have a fear of heights, but only THEY know that those heights are worth taking crossing the line for.

Its 9.pm. Primetime, go ahead, you’re gonna miss your shows.

One Day [01 May 2006|05:01am]

Let me set the scene

I was sitting,staring out of my friends balcony,the sun was setting,and the lights were coming on,and from my corner,you could see a tennis court.
You could see a walkway,you could see people.
As the sun set and everything was enveloped in darkness I noticed something.
In the period between night and day,between sun and lamp people became invisible.
Just when it became dark enough to call it night but not dark enough to call it dark,humans become invisible.
They became near impossible to see,the world seemed to swallow all the lives that walked the path,the people on the tennis court became nothing but floating rackets and spectral balls.And for one brief moment,all signs of human life vanished.

But instead of being shocked or amazed,it seemed natural to me.It was natural that for those five seconds that the earth reclaimed the humans into itself,it was natural that all I could see were highlights of the world.
It was natural that people werent there.
Just beautifully,amazingly natural.
It was as if it was like that all along,and it was just me that didnt notice.
Funny how I didnt notice it.

But then the lights on the court flickered to life as the humans struggled to come back into existance through the illusion of light provided to them.
And everything fought back,the lights refused to come to life,the world refused to let us back in,it was enjoying our absence.It was enjoying the few seconds respite from mankind that the twilight brought.
Everything else doesnt like us here,it fights to keep us hidden,and we fight back.
Every single day we fight back.

And I for one,was rooting for everything else to win.
I liked the absence,I loved it.

Maybe one day we will smarten up and lose,just for that day.
Maybe.

My generation

Isnt it funny how my generation,a generation of cyber punks,script kiddies,malcontent rich kids and cutters have evolved.
We have evolved,I will say that for us,we have evolved far beyond our predecessors,far beyond our fathers and forefathers.
Those idiots,they worked hard,and for that I call them fools.

My generations is born of tech and 733t.I say that proudly.

We have our shortcomings,yes,we’re all lazy muthafuckers,lazy to the bone.
But our greatest flaw is that we’re all cowards.
And not normal cowards,we’re cowards without a clue.

My generation hides behind fandom,we hide behind forum signatures and user pics.We hids our ugliness under the guise of sophistication and pseudo intellectualism.We cringe from society like the plague.
We hide ourselves from the world and create new selves on the interweb.

My generation is pathetic,myself included.
We speak in 733t,we are haxorz,we flame,we troll,we brutalize eastern languages all in an effort to become in the internet what we cannot become in the real world.

FRIENDS LOCKED!

You would not believe how much I hate that term.

And as we grow we teach the next generation that its okay to be a loser in real life,we have the fucking INTARWEB now.
Who needs friends when you have friendster and myspace,who needs love when you have TV to fill in the time between.
Who needs life,when the intarweb can give you all the “life” you need.
Fuck life.Fuck love.Go cut yourself and bleedon your 500 dollar Nikes,
go write your long endless poems about the darkness within you,then go have dinner with your 2 parents and your 2 1/2
fucking siblings.
Cry into your pillow while listening to your 200 dollar Ipod.

My generation is a generation of weaklings.Too sad to live,too scared to die.
Fuck it all,and have a good night.

Forget

Sometimes we forget,I know I have.
We forget about the lights,we forget about the sounds.

Choose a light and you will find a human.You will find a famly,you will find friends.
You will find Christians,Jews,Muslims,Hindus.You will find black,white,yellow,red and the colors of the rainbow.
Choose and you will find life

In the lights on our horizon live humans.In the sounds on our streets float conversation,we block out all but what affects us.We shut out all human contact that doesnt originate from within the boundaries of our world.
Sometimes we forget.
We define our world as the home the work and the play,three categories of organization.Three categories of oppression.

Neat and easy.

But what of the world proper.What of The World
Do we not define that as home,or are we separate entities,floating in bubbles that overlap when it becomes convinent.
Sometimes we forget.

We define people as the voices and the faces that we see and are forced to interact with,we put on a facade of niceties and manners just to avoid conflict.
Because after all,who like conflict?
And all life outside our self imposed cubicle is forgotten,lost to time and memory.

They are someone elses problem

Sometimes we forget that when we stare out at the world we are looking at 6 billion individual lives,pains,problems and joys,but we as humans,choose to ignore and only concentrate on the foreground,on the finite.
Sometimes we forget that we humans,when neccessary,can understand the infinite,the endless.We can grasp the concept of 6 billion.

If neccessary.
And when will it become neccessary?
Only you will know.

[11 Jun 2006|04:56am]

i have been writing for the past few hours,mostly in my head and some of it on my hands and on my floor.some of it made sense,but the some is like chalk in a snow storm,you know its different,but you dont know how.how and why and where.
writing has progressed for me,I used to write for entertainment,to get fiction out of my head and sometimes just to write.
but lately it become a need,I need to write,I need to fill pages and pages with long winding text that mean all and nothing i would write for all eternity and sudedenly I would stop and life would continue as if the world just realized that I got left behind the group.I can write in my head and review it later word for word and it would all be there.for all eternity and then nothing,funny and sad good and bad all in itself as the man would say and not say entirely.

writing forever is like writing it all.its like writing it all.what i mean is that its like writing the entirity of my existance made up of squiggles that if you squint in a certain way looks like racoon chewing a peanut.its like writing until your head seems higher than it is and your hand doesnt seem to be part of your body any more,its like writing for the eternity that is the paper that is the floor that is my head that is the world and its sheep.writing for the sake of hearing and writing for the sake of seeing writing for the sake of feeling the lead and the paper and the keyboard and the light changing to for words that sometimes make sense and sometimes none.the none is what haunts me words that dont exist seem to float between the lines and sometimes words that do exist that seem to not exist but in all eventuality will exist in my mind.my mind seems to fill itself like a jug and sometimes like a barrel its water is somewhere i dont know and sometimes when it gets really dark i can see the shapes and figures that emerge to tell me the stories of the fears of men and women and children my mind is in liason with the them that is the rest of the existance and I have been left out of the loop.and ever in wonderment i stare at the period.there it is again signifying both ending and beginning a microcosm of the apocolypse and a symbol of change a change of context and a change of people and a change of me.

did I change?
or was this always the me that hid in the shadows and was the other me the me that kept me from the light.in all eventuality this me is the me that matters,this me is the me that can see the shapes and the barrels and the fears and the words on the floors and the words in the eyes and the words that encompass the globe circling it like live flesh,like a snake like a river that never begins.i changed this and i changed that into something i changed the paper into the squiggle and i changed this creation of code and illusion into a structure of my insanity and sanity and my life.i did that i changed it all and i can keep changing as he who is above has given me the ability to change wood and water into insanity and script.

to change is to exist and to survive and to learn and to evolve and unto itself change is eventually neccesary but useless.
its all useless
I wonder about the useless,what is useless and what is usefull,what is full of use but nothing,nothing is full of use but then nothing is just nothing.dreams are nothing and everything.its a beautiful thing to be encomppased by a dream and its a horrible thiing to be taken by a dream,esepcially when that dream is not your own.like hearing someone is beautiful so many times that you believe and make believe that they are when they are most probably ugly and decrept and studpi and mundane but it doesnt matter because its all an illusion,the ddream isnt yours and neither is this life neither is this existance and neither is this world.

nothing is mine nothing is yours
it is all aether.and i stop.

Outsider

In order to understand the concept of god,does one have to be holy?
In order to understand humanity does one have to be human?

these questions have been tormenting me for as long as I could remember,is it possible to understand something that youre an outsider to?

I have always considered myself an outsider,and I have been treated as one,as if humans can smell something on you that makes your self appointed outcast status obvious.I dont regret my decision,but when I was making it these questions came to my mind.
Will I alienate myself from the things I wish to understand by striving to be different?

So in the end my choice becomes remain happy as an outsider but risk losing the knowledge I seek,or reenter the pack and risk losing myself…

But that aside,I am happy being n outsider,its because Im not alone,I have found a few people who either by choice or nature have outcasted themselves from the flow of human thought.And we can identify each other.Its uncanny,this ability,but its comforting to know that being different doesnt mean being alone.

Alot of these people I have met here on LJ but in real life my entire LIFE is composed of these people.You guys know who you are.And they have been the source of my strngth and my place of comfort during the storm.We share a similar insanity,a way of seeing life that others miss out on,a combination of sillyness and surreality. Like giant platypusi replacing cars.

But i guess thats where it all starts,perception.Where others see one thing,I see another,its just a different way of looking at things.Daily I thank whatever glitch of genetics made me turn out this way.That and an overabundace of time to think has lead me to become the person I am today,gloriously weird and happy to soak in my own juices.

But in the end I think,I would like to remain like this for the rest of my days,sanity is for the mundane people of the world,I prefer to remain in a state of constant insanity.Till the day I pass from this world and into the next.
Amen.

Hits

15 minutes.
It was 15 minutes before I realized that my world was horizontal, that the cold I was feeling was from my floor. And this wasn’t a normal cold, it was a cold that reached into your core and clung on. It was a persistent cold.

I tried to reach my fingers, but my brain was too tired to reach that far, but instead I got my heart, its beating was hypnotic and magnified as I could feel every muscle contracting and every nerve reacting.

“WAKE UP!”

Someone screamed, and the sound cancelled out all others. Purpose took over me again. I reached out and found my fingers, and from there I found my toes. The cold had gotten stronger while I was engrossed by my heart, it crept up from my physical into my mental, the cold threatened to engulf my mind, leaving it as frozen as my body felt.

‘WAKE UP!”

Was it another scream, or was this an echo? It felt hollow, lifeless, like a crow screaming on an empty street. But it helped, my arms and legs screamed in unison and strength returned to my mind. I found that I had to focus on my movements, it was as if my body had reset itself and lost all memory of movement.

Knees bent, muscles tensed. And all at once,like a behemoth rising from slumber I ascended. Time, or at least my perception of it, slowed to a crawl, and my joints ached and groaned like a corpse. Pain had never felt so real and vivid. The pain actually translated into a visible color to me,it was a cross between brown and purple and it filled the room. My pain filled the room as I struggled to rise to my feet.

“WAKE UP!”

This time it staggers me, the sound hits me like a shockwave and I was thrown back into myself, and I think a bit past myself. My eyes felt like they were 10 inches above my head and my mouth tasted like my hair. But I was standing, a retarded version of it, but I was on my hind legs, though at this point all sense of anything was beyond me.
But I had a feeling.

15 seconds
15 seconds passed before I realized I was still standing. My knees seemed to have locked themselves into position, and my head had forgotten to stop rising when my body did. The air seemed to have a body of its own that caressed me and kept me afloat. And in the distance there was a something that felt like music but sounded like food.

“WAKE UP!”

I was awake,I wanted to scream back,but my throat had forgotten what it sounded like, ashamed, it remained silent. I fumbled around me with what I think was my hand and found something soft,and almost organic. I dreaded my decision but it had to be done. I willed the gravity of my soul to returned,and I came crashing down back into my body. And in one swift move I lowered my body into my sofa as it seemed to mould itself around me.

And then I finally opened my eyes. And reached for the bong